I am not  a feminist, I think and believe that women are different than men. I do believe however that each sexe has his/her own value and are equally important.

As you might know, I am not very happy in love, recently I lost the love of my life, because he is emotionally challenged, Intelligence skyhigh but emotionally a retard, at least in my eyes. I love him deeply, but my hate for him is on the same level. I just cannot decide what is stronger, my love or my hate.

In my efforts to get over him, I recently started dating again, this after two horrible experiences with dating in march 2020. Those dates where established with dating app  ‘Tinder’. Curious as I am, I wanted to know how that worked and it brought me two dates.  The first one, one week after my  love of my life, let’s call him ‘David’, decided that he made a calculation of our love and although I am one of the 4 loves of  his life… he decided he was better off with his new build house.  He preferred to love a pile of stones with in it, someone he didn’t value, he just tolerated…as she tolerated him.

Anyway, this Tinderdates….One almost raped me in a cinema, it was a catfish, totally different than the picture and as soon as the lights of the cinema were out, he started to grab between my legs, my breasts… Although upfront I told him, I don’t want to get physical on my first date, he thought, he could just do it.  As I thought on my age, I would be able to react on a appropriate way, I would scream, kick him between his legs or beat the hell out of him, the only thing I did, was freeze in disbelieve, was this happening to me?  Honestly? Soon, I woke up from my lethargic attitude and ended the date by walking out of the cinema and back to my car.  At home I stood like 20 minutes under a shower to brush this filth from me. I blocked him, deleted Tinder.

I don’t give up easily, 3 weeks after, I decided, maybe it was not fair and I should give Tinder a second chance. This date was as ridiculous as it was scary.  I will make it short, He started to tell me, he was very happy without a woman in his life,  I thought, Okay? What the h*ll I am doing here in that case?  But when I forgot the parking bill in my car and went upstairs in the parking garage, it nevertheless became clear what his intentions were, I searched the car for my parking bill  and when I found it and turned around,  I saw him blocking my car and demanded a kiss before he let me go…. I kicked him politely between his legs, not so aggressive unfortunately.. but  he laughed and said it was a joke,  ( do you see me laughing?) …. I went to pay parking money and went upstairs again. There he said, let’s take your car, we will go walking in the park… It was march, cold and dark and my intuition started to show red alarm bells. I told him, where is your car?  He told me, on the 6^th floor. I said, perfect, I wait here and you drive behind me… But as soon he walked away to get his car, I drove with 100km/h downstairs out of the garage and raced to my home.  This was funny… but sad on the same time. Again a guy that didn’t respect my space, my dignity and my wishes. 

In the meantime, “David”, decided that although he sticked with his calculation, he needed my positive energy and started to arrange our weekly lunches again.  And because my love for him was bigger than anything else I went along.  Dating disappeared to the background. For almost 1.5 years. I thought “David” Respected me, He didn’t touched me inappropriate, we had fun, I thought. But slowly and surely, I realized that although “David” was not raping me, or touching me on a wrong way. He did something much more painful. He lied, he betrayed my trust, loyalty and love for him. He used and abused me for his own benefit and after that, he left me without any explanation through whatsapp. Now, today, I realize that if I had to choose between the experiences with my two dates or the love of my life “David”.. I rather be physically harmed than this emotional abuse of “David”…Anyway…

My relationship with ‘David’ ended again, this time because he thought I was dramatic and pedantic, when I wanted to stop him from killing himself, because he lost a lawsuit and had to pay 188.000 euro. After that statement, I realized, Although my love for him is eternal. He is not able to give love nor to receive love and he is abusing me on the most severe way emotionally again… I decided to start dating again.  I chose this time for the dating app “Parship”  A dating website for higher educated people. It costs a lot of money, but I figured, if you are willing to pay for a date, you will be serious….

I choose a guy, CEO of a company, very active in merging hospitals, he was on the news quite often, he was more or less wellknown. . and he invited me on his rooftop garden in Amsterdam near one of the channels. I thought, okay… a famous guy, he cannot risk anything or he will lose credibility in business. I figured I was safe.  On the chat of the app, he started two times about my breasts, how beautiful they were.. And I asked him, stop… “I am not for that,  we get to know eachother, or are you only looking after my body?” His answer was “no sweetheart, it is just a joke, but the eyes also like to see something. But it is about your soul ofcourse”, I silenced my alarmbells and went to Amsterdam.

I entered his house and rooftop and while looking to the view, I suddenly felt a hand in my shirt, touching my breast, within 5 minutes after arrival, I turned around and I told him, this is not what I want. He smiled and said, “Joke darling” and “well, than you don’t must wear those tide shirts”  I was in shock, but instead of walking away, I set down next to him, to drink something. After 10 minutes, he suddenly sticked his tongue in my mouth. I pulled my head back and said “NO”, I do not want this. He asked, “why not”?  I told him, I just know you and I feel kissing is even more intimate than having sex.  Than he said. “Okay, let’s have sex than”. This atmosphere started to be uneasy and luckily it started to rain and he said, “okay if you don’t want to kiss, it will not work out” , “let’s go to the city”. I was releaved but when we walked the long stairs down, and ended on the street it started to rain more heavy and he said, we go upstairs.  And ignorant as I was, I went with him. The tv was on, and next thing what happened, He took a pillow, installed it on my lap and fell asleep. There I was, in a strange house, with an abusive guy on my lap. I slowly moved little by little to the side until his head was on the sofa, I took my jacket, and bag. Softly opened the door, run the long stairs down, opened the door, left it open, because I was afraid the closing of the door would wake him up, run  2 other long stairs down, came to the street, entered my car and I was free.

I send him a whatsapp, telling this has no chance and thanked him for his hospitality and blocked him. The way home, I just cried in disbelieve,  for a loss of selfesteem again, why guys are using me as toys?  And I have a lot of knowledge, a lot to tell, but they don’t hear, they don’t listen…  At home, I send him a message on Parship , told him. You don’t understand that NO means NO, you think I cannot put pictures on it, where you see anything of my breasts, although covered.  You clearly want me to wear a burka, but I have news for you, even If I was topless on those pictures or even naked, if I say No and you do not respect my no, it is sexual abuse. I do not tolerate that and you should be ashamed.  Because I only was 12 days on the Parship app, I could get my money back and deleted my profile.

It is sad,  that men only are looking for sex.   That men do not understand that No is No.. I blame males for it, but also females that are using males as an ATM and have no moral standards whatsoever, those that will sleep with every guy for money.

For me, no dates anymore… I rather stay alone. All males in my life abused me.  One more severe than the other. I think, I am to blame for it also. I should be more assertive, fight more for my space and rights.

This is a message I want to give to all females out there… Do not settle for less, you are important too…

WE ARE IMPORTANT TOO