Life itself is not an easy one, living is never easy… not only is it a daily struggle to survive… it is also a struggle to live your life the best way and not to interfear in other men’s path.
For me, life was about to put food on the table for my kids and me, earning money, make the life of my children easy, make them happy, try to do my work the best I could .. pay my rent, pay my tax… try to respect my neighbors and authority like police, government etc.. Trying to help other people the best I could.. and try to love…
All my life I had these principle, this conviction: ” if I live by my rules I will be happy and everybody around me will be happy too”. However, how much disappointment and even despair did I experienced in life?
So many times a broken heart, I saw the world around me not rewarding me…but I got punished.. a lot of bad luck, a lot of hate and jealousy towards me .. and slowly but surely my heart was filled with stress, pain, disappointment and even hate. Hate towards all what is “ Human” … hate towards those who live with lies and cowardice… I did not kept silence… I told everyone who wanted to hear how much I hate the humanity and how much I love Animals instead of humans… All these times I was so sure it was not necessary to change.. not necessary to take care about myself… Because if I do good to other people.. I will be happy.. if the one that I love is happy … I will be happy…. And always I was puzzled when a person I loved stopt loving me… because.. didn’t I do everything to make him happy?
To be honest… for 3 month ago my state of mind was…I hate humans, never again a relationship…if I die tomorrow I will be completely okay with it.. what do I search here on this godforsaken earth? Honesty? Justice? Respect? Self-development? LOVE? I lived for no reason and I was not living… I was surviving.
Then, on a place where you never expect, on Facebook, my eye got a picture of a man, his face showed happiness, his smile the most amazing one ever.. from day one he was daily on my mind… but 3 month ago we started to talk. First on Skype and Whatsapp… We soon discovered we had a lot of similarity. But he is Jewish, religious Jewish…not the average way, not the orthodox way… but with a wisdom that reaches far above any religious orthodox Jew in my opinion..
Honestly what he had to tell me and what he told me every night on skype was and is not easy… he does not salute life, he has the same feelings towards humanity and he asks God every day why he has to be here… Here on this place that is filled with negative energy, where people killing eachother and where love is so very very rare.. or maybe even does not excist…. He asks every day Why God, Why?
Very soon after we started to talk, he decided to book an oneway ticket to Holland.. he knew we had to teach eachother important things of life..
He is here now for 3 weeks… very emotional weeks… He left safe and beautiful Israel to be here with me… For the first time of his life he left the protected Israel to stay in a dangerous world.. the world where kosher eating is not obvious, the world where sex and drugs and living without any religious rules is very normal… He adjusted, he stays strong… eating Kosher, despite all the efforts it takes, praying each and every day and being thankful… But most of all standing by my site..
I thought I could persist in my idea’s .. if I make him happy, if I love him… if I do anything he will be happy… But soon after I did realize… it is tremendous difficult. Always I was alone and now I share my life with a person with high moral standards… even more.. High religious standards, living by Torah and living with God.. A total different world.. an earthquake in my world… He showed me that life is above all fixing yourself… all the issues of life are between yourself and God… not between you and another human…. He showed me… my first priority should be ME and only ME and just after that is my kids and him.
It causes pain in my heart and soul, tears, anger, despair…. But a part of me knows he is right… .This is the only way.. Try to release stress, hate and anger and make place for happiness and love…
He showed me why I always said, if I will be religious, I would prefere the Judaisme. In this religion/ in this way of life is so much wisdom and so much rules that make sense that it must be the right way.
I only hope that I am strong enough to change and I also hope that he has the patience to keep standing with me and teaching me to see the light… as I will teach him to relax and also enjoy life…
Together I believe we will be strong…. But it will be hard working.. very hard… yet I believe in him….the man with the amazing Jewish spirit and his amazing smile.
(Dedicated to Yishai Arazi)
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